No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
He’s cranky this morning
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”