My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.