If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45