Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Extremely relatable.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Breaking news:
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely