Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.