Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
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I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.