The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Leaving the Barbers like
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.