•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”