Stop sending me this shit.
You Might Also Like
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Natty or not?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.