[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Simple
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano