[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I laughed at this way too hard.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir