Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
How can I say no to this ?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.