If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.