*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”