*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
me and my fake scenarios
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice