Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
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Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Cucumbers Anonymous
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.