Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
marvel comics have peaked
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
how do y’all walk in shallow water
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u