[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
pls suprot
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture