What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15