Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”