The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.