Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.