Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Good morning!