mom had nothing to worry about
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.