This pepper has seen some shit
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
🙁
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Autocorrect is my menesis
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE