Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
#ProTip
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Sign at work today
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair