My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Life cycle of cat
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.