I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I think we should hear other voices.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.