18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Y’all know who you are.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*