professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.