[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
You Might Also Like
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield