CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
You Might Also Like
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
So that’s what we looked like?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real