I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”