Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus