Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.