Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
#Caturday
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other