ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.