ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?