So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
meow
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
not seeing the problem
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.