Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
my nickname in college
Very problematic
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit