*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?