It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions