When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
You Might Also Like
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.