Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
screw you
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Bruh PLEASE
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”