Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”