Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.