*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then