[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Home is where your toilet is.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Ironic
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.