Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
You Might Also Like
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Lmfao
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.