You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities